Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

It’s the eternal question; One that torments the minds of RevolverGuys even more than “Smith versus Colt,” “Blued versus Stainless,” or “Leather versus Kydex.”

Why did that chicken cross the road?

Why, indeed.

Oh chicken, if you could only tell us . . .

We feel your pain, rotator brothers and sisters, and we’re here to help. Sparing no effort or expense, we have consulted the highest authorities in the firearms industry to help solve this dilemma, once and for all.  Forthwith, you shall find the accumulated wisdom of the industry, to help settle your mind, ease your heart, lift your spirits, and restore your faith in your fellow man!

So, without further adieu, we present the most comprehensive, in-depth, extraordinary treatise on this fundamental query . . . so we can refocus on more critical issues like, “Wadcutter versus Hollowpoint.”

Carry on!


why did the chicken cross the road?

Ruger: That was no chicken, it was a Redhawk!

Taurus: It was tired of being judged.

Colt: It was being chased by a Cobra and a Python.

Smith & Wesson: Is that a key lock, up under those tail feathers?

Charter Arms: Now selling chickens with pink, lavender, and tiger stripe feathers.

Sig Sauer: Whatever you do, don’t drop the chicken, or it will go off.

Glock: We built the perfect chicken over thirty years ago.  We’re currently in our 5th Generation of improving on chicken perfection.

Springfield Armory: Chicken ghoulash is popular in Croatia.

Remington (under Freedom Group): We regret to inform you, there has been a chicken recall. Your chicken will be returned in three years, in a case made for a pelican . . . and it still won’t work.

Kimber: We spent $2.5M on chicken and Raptor advertising last year.

Magnum Research: Desert Eagles don’t cross roads, they make the road detour around them.

Barrett: Engineering? Ronnie here.  We need to make a one-mile chicken gun. Get on it, but don’t sell it to those communist b***ards in California.

Savage: Four hundred bucks. One minute-of-chicken.

Mossberg: (spits tobacco juice) Don’ know anythin’ ‘bout chickens.  We focus on turkeys and ducks, ‘round heyah.

North American Arms: We tried to shoot a chicken with one of our .22 Shorts once . . . it got mad.

HK: Chickens suck, just like you. In fact,  you suck, and we hate you.

Winchester: Effective immediately, we are withdrawing all chickens with black talons from the market.

Browning: Show us your chickenmark.

Marlin: We used to make damned good chickens until those twits from Freedom Group came along. It’s a good thing we gave our chicken recipe to Ruger, for safekeeping.

Stag Arms: We kinda lost track of the chicken, and the ATF shut us down for a bit, but we’re GTG now, and glad we moved to America.

Beretta: A Cheetah was chasing it.

Steyr: The chicken is a scout.

Henry Repeating Arms:  Feed the chicken on Sunday, and cross the road all week long.

Kalashnikov USA: Ees cheekin. Ees for eat, not cross. Kill cheekin. Eat cheekin. Drink. Da?

KelTec: We couldn’t get our chicken to cross with any reliability.

Walther: Chicken.  James Chicken. Starring in the new hit movie, “Chickenfinger.”

Caracal USA: Rumors of the upgraded chicken have been rampant for years, but there’s still no sign of it yet.

Colonel Samuel Colt: God made chicken; I made them equal.

Colonel Sanders: Need you ask?

Bill Jordan: No Second Place Chicken.

Elmer Keith: My favorite chicken recipe is 22.0 grains of #2400 under a 250 grain, Lyman No. 429421, cast bullet.

Charlie Askins, Jr: I’ve killed 27 chickens, not counting Bantams.

Skeeter Skelton: Chicken Legs, Hipshots, and Jalapeños.

Jeff Cooper:  Chicken crossing. An ingenious solution to a non-existent problem.

John Taffin: Perfect Packin’ Poultry.

Rob Leahy: Sourdough biscuits and chicken. Simply delicious.

Massad Ayoob:  So, what would the courts say about this? Consider this chicken crossing, which we’ll call “Case One” . . .

Wayne LaPierre: The only thing that stops a chicken crossing, is a good guy with a gun.

Harry Callahan: I know what you’re thinking—“Did he eat six chicken wings, or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kinda lost track myself  . . .

Rooster Cogburn: Fill yer chicken foot, you sonofabitch!


Featured image from: https://thefederalistpapers.org/us/hilarious-how-politicians-celebs-would-respond-to-this-age-old-question

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Author: Mike

Lieutenant Colonel (Ret.) Mike Wood is a bonafide revolver nut, a handgun, shotgun, and patrol rifle-certified law enforcement firearms instructor, and the author of Newhall Shooting: A Tactical Analysis, the definitive study of the infamous, 1970 California Highway Patrol shootout in Newhall, California. He also wrote the "Tactical Analysis" column at Police1.com for 8 years.

15 thoughts on “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?”

  1. Sorry guys, the comments were accidentally turned off on this one, for a bit. It’s fixed now! I was wondering why nobody was chiming in!

  2. Mike,

    You packed a lot of laughs into a short read here. These were quite clever, but I’m taking the high road and not revealing which ones I laughed at the hardest. Except for the HK one. I confess to spewing coffee onto my keyboard on a Saturday morning on that one. Got a bit up my nose, I did.

    Good Show!

    1. Haha! Glad you enjoyed it buddy. The management is not responsible for any keyboard failures, as a result of nose coffee jets. It says so in the fine print. 😁

  3. Mike I thought that ol Chicken was crossing the road because he was running from some hungry guys armed with revolvers.

  4. I loved the Bill Jordan version: No Second Place Chicken . . . it was the perfect prequel to Jeff Cooper’s ingenious solution to a non-existent problem.

    1. I was trying to think of how I could manipulate his “crunchenticker” into “chicken finger” without losing everyone . . . 😆

  5. Mike,
    The question of why the chicken crossed the road has baffled man for many, many years now. After spending much time in areas where these other critters roam, I can finally provide an answer to the actual question asked.

    “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “To prove to the Opossums and Armadillos that it could be done.”

  6. Hat tip for linking to Monster Hunter Nation, wasn’t aware there were any readers of Larry Correia here!

  7. Mike –
    Now that I’ve quit chuckling (sometimes uncontrollably), a tip of the hat to You, Sir. No doubt a considerable amount of thought went into these and I have to confess that I can’t pick a favorite…but in honor of my hero, I’ll go with the ‘Skeeter’ response. Thanks for making my day!
    Kevin Massey

  8. Y’know, my son at four years old asked me “Dad, why did the chicken cross the playground?” When I didn’t know he said “To get to the other slide!” No idea if he made this up himself, but that’s what you reminded me of.

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